Fifty Shades of Shameless Parody Read online

  Fifty Shades

  of

  Shameless Parody

  Book 1

  by I.P. Freely

  TABLE OF CONTENTS

  Super Important Legal Notice

  CHAPTER 1. The Interview

  CHAPTER 2. Reporting Back

  CHAPTER 3. I Like You, You Like Me

  CHAPTER 4. Come In To My Space

  CHAPTER 5. Breaking Down My Barriers. Storming My Ramparts.

  CHAPTER 6. Contracting Things. Sexually.

  CHAPTER 7. Deep Inside The Weird Billionaire's Creepy Sex Dungeon Torture Chamber

  CHAPTER 8. Christopher Mystery Trip #1

  CHAPTER 9. Euthanasia In Space

  CHAPTER 10. Christopher's Forever

  CHAPTER 11. Making It Official

  CHAPTER 12. The Shit Hits The Fan

  CHAPTER 13. One New Message

  Super Important Legal Notice

  The importance of this legal notice cannot be understated. This is a work of parody, goddammit! Any similarities, without satirical intent, to copyrighted characters/material, or individuals, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Purely coincidental! This book has not been endorsed by E.L. James, or her publishers, or any other entities holding copyright or license to the Fifty Shades of Grey book series. No connection is implied or should be inferred. This notice may, however, be a parody itself. It's hard to tell.

  CHAPTER 1

  The Interview

  "Question number 3, are you a big gay man?"

  "Excuse me?" he said, shocked at the intrusion.

  "Ummm... Sorry, it's what it says here. My Housemate wrote the questions!"

  Why would Housemate get me to ask such an intrusive question?! It doesn"t have a single thing to do with his business.

  He chuckles, and smiles. "Haha! No, I'm not gay."

  I plough on with the questions. "Number 4, have you really never tried bum sex with another guy?" Damn you Housemate! What kinds of questions are these?!

  "No, I haven't, but it would be none of your business if I had.." He doesn"t take his eyes off me, and I squirm in my seat nervously. His sharp grey eyes penetrate mine, his grey eyes, piercing grey eyes, grey grey grey, did I mention he has grey eyes? Maybe half this damn book could be spent talking about his fucking grey eyes. Nothing gets me wetter than grey eyes.

  "Ok, question 5. Have you honestly never slid down the greasy pole?". I look up at Christopher from my piece of paper. he's watching me, with his very grey eyes, one hand relaxing on the arm of his chair, one hand "resting" in his lap.

  "That's the same question, you just re-worded it." he says, dismissively.

  "Yeah, it is, sorry. Ok, question 6, have you not even rolled around naked with a guy just to see how it feels?" Jeez! Housemate! Christopher stares at me calmly, not uttering a word. He is an oasis of calm, while I blabber on nervously...

  "Oh god, these questions...? Oh god... Question 7, how do you know you're not gay if you've never put a penis in your mouth?"

  This is mortifying. Utterly mortifying. Why oh why would Housemate do this to me?! I'll just go through the questions quickly, to get this over with, then get out of here and actually murder Housemate.

  "Question 8, have you ever touched a penis?"

  He laughed out loud. "I do have a penis of my own, you know. I touch it all the time. Would you like to see it?"

  "Why do I get the feeling that everything you're saying is an innuendo?"

  He leaned in close and purred "In YOUR end-o!" he's teasing me. I flush. By which I mean, my vaginal muscles collapsed and I squirted straight down, drenching my panties for the first of about a thousand times to come.

  "Question 9", I said fidgeting, "have you ever had one of those dreams where you're naked in a public place and people come up to you and start touching you and taking photos of you?"

  "What the fuck?"

  "Oh thank god, a real business question! Question 10, a man of your stature is clearly a good taker. Are you also fond of giving?"

  "Oh for fucks sake. What the hell is going on here?"

  "I don't know! My housemate gave me these questions! She must be having a really good laugh right now."

  Christopher leaned forward, looking stern but with a mischievous glint in his eyes. "Is there anything YOU would like to ask me? Let's just forget about everyone else."

  "Umm... I guess I, um, do you have, I mean, you don't, um, what I'm trying to say is Yes, I WOULD like to see your penis..."

  A hint of a smile lit up his hot lips, and he leaned in so close I could smell him... my god, he smelled so good... a mix of some kind of soap probably... wow... clean guys are SO HOT. I knew in this moment I would do anything for this man.

  "I didn't hear a question in there..." he murmured. He unzipped his trousers and showed me his penis anyway.

  CHAPTER 2

  Reporting Back

  "I've just listened to the interview recording. He was totally coming onto you!"

  "He did NOT cum onto me! He did it into his own hand!"

  "Did what?"

  "I just watched him. I didn't touch."

  "It's such a shame we didn't get any photos. For the website."

  "You'd have needed a zoom lens."

  "I know it took us like 12 years to get the interview, but maybe we'll get lucky and one of us will bump into him randomly tomorrow. What a coincidence that would be. I mean, it's possible. He is a billionaire after all!"

  "What's that got to do with it?"

  "Well, he has to shop sometime! And we both work in shops!"

  "Yes, but I work in a hardware store, and you work in a sex shop. he's hardly going to come in either of those."

  "We might get lucky! Who knows where he'll come next! He might even be coming right now! Can you imagine?!" Housemate giggled like a little girl.

  "I don't have to imagine."

  "Huh?"

  "Look, I'll never see him again. I'm not good enough for him. I'm just a normal person. he's like a superman, or a god or a vampire or something. I'm barely a speck on his landscape. If YOU did the interview he would have been coming onto you so much more! And you'd have totally let him. You love it when guys come onto you. I've seen how much you enjoy it. On the website."

  There was a knock at the door. Housemate went to answer it. As she was walking back to the living room she shouted from the hall, "There's a package here for you. it's from Christopher!"

  "Christopher's package?! Is it big?"

  "Nope."

  I took the package from Housemate and tore it open. It was a book.

  "It's a book", I said.

  "I can see that. A book about what though?"

  "A book of limericks! He must have seen that I like limericks. He must have been Facebook stalking me!"

  "What a creep." Housemate said, folding her arms and looking jealous.

  I flipped open the cover, and there, in a neat cursive handwriting, was a message from Christopher:

  "There once was a girl who was poor.

  Who tripped and fell on my floor.

  Right at my feet, just like a whore.

  I will fuck you raw."

  "He has no idea how to write a limerick does he?"

  "No, I don't think he does."

  "What do you think it means?"

  "I don't know. Do you think it has some kind of hidden message?"

  CHAPTER 3

  I Like You, You Like Me

  I lay in bed, unable to sleep, unable to stop sordid thoughts of Christopher's grey eyes swirling round my mind. How could I sleep at a time like this? I had received a book from Christopher, complete with cryptic poem. I had to see this man again. I know he's dangerous - it's all he kept te
lling me - but I so badly wanted his penis inside me.

  I sat up, and grabbed my laptop. I clicked open Internet Explorer, waited like 3 minutes for it to open, then typed "Christopher Chase" into the Bing search box. When the page finally loaded I was presented with dozens of little Christopher Chase's all staring up at me. My god, what a beautiful man!

  I clicked the first image, which took me to a facebook fan page titled "Christopher Chase - Fucked Up Man of Mystery". I clicked Like, without even thinking about it. The cover image for the page was a really low resolution close-up photo of his grey eyes.

  I scrolled down the page, reading what some people had written. The entire fan page was basically filled with young girls going nuts about Christopher. Apparently, he was a bit of a catch.

  Oh my gosh. In amongst all the crappy posts was a post by Christopher himself, from about a week ago!

  Christopher Chase: "If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything..."

  I clicked to reveal the 5 comments on the post.

  Christopher: Want to hear a joke about pizza?

  Mrs Robinson: Sure

  Christopher: Never mind. it's too cheesy.

  Mrs Robinson: loool lol

  Christopher: Okay suck my dick lol later baby

  This guy was so out of my league. "Get a grip, Euthanasia!" I said out loud, closing my laptop and putting it back on my bedside table. I started to cry.

  Ding!

  A Facebook notification popped up on my phone, so I grabbed my laptop again and turned it on. As my laptop didn't have the PowerNap feature of the newest Macbook Pro With Retina Display, I had to wait for ages for it to turn back on. I clicked Internet Explorer again. 5 minutes later, I was typing in facebook.com and waiting for it to load. 5 minutes after that, I gasped. Christopher Chase had sent me a FRIEND REQUEST! Holy shit. Oh fuck. Oh balls! He must know I was Binging him and Liking him on facebook! Was he stalking me in my own house? How could he possibly know that? Maybe he installed some kind of malware onto my laptop and was watching my every move? I shuddered to think about it. That would be so freakin" hot.

  I clicked "Accept", and loaded his facebook timeline.

  Facebook prompted me to "Post Something", so I did.

  "Hello Mr Chase. How did you find me?"

  A few seconds later, his reply popped up as a comment below my question: "I tracked your cell phone. I secretly installed Google Latitude on it when we were doing the interview."

  What?! Is he allowed to do that?! I typed back, "Is that legal!"

  "Probably. I think the Patriot Act allows it now. don't worry about it. I do it all the time."

  "That's creepy."

  His seductive reply popped up almost instantly, "Perhaps, but we are at least facebook friends now..."

  "Is there anything in particular you had in mind, now that we're friends? ;-)"

  "Would you like to hear a joke?"

  'sure."

  "Never mind. it's 2 cheesy!"

  "OK! I'll suck your didk! lol!" That was quite enough excitement for one night. I closed the lid of my laptop, put it back on the bedside table, slid back under the covers, fell fast asleep, and dreamed dreams of Christopher furiously masterbating onto my sepia profile picture on his Retina display Macbook Pro laptop screen.

  I slept like a baby. By which I mean, I woke every 2 hours and cried.

  CHAPTER 4

  Come In To My Space

  I woke up to an SMS message on my phone. It was from a number I didn't recognise. I clicked it open.

  "hey baby sign in 2 chat if u wanna chat lol"

  Who was it from? I couldn't tell. I turned on my laptop, and half an hour later had signed in to facebook chat. The only other person online right now was Christopher. Holy shit! Was the text from him?

  His chatbox popped up with a private message, "hey euth. how's it going?"

  "Going ok. I've just woken up."

  "cool cool. I've just come back from the gym. I'm pretty sweaty right now. Hang on. I'm just gonna jump in the shower."

  Oh holy jesus. This man was an A+ Seducer. I was now vividly imagining him naked, standing under the hot spray, his hands roaming over his hard muscular body. I was lost in my imagination for I don't know how long, until finally Christopher returned.

  'sorry for being so, so long... I couldn't find a towel, so I just had to rub my body loads until I was dry."

  "Christopher. If you continue talking like this I will have to change my sheets."

  "serious?"

  "Very"

  There was a knock at the front door. Urghh. With a groan, I clambered out of bed and waddled to the front door, holding my sheets around me for warmth. I opened the door and gasped. Christopher Chase was standing there, dressed in a white linen shirt or something, his hair still wet, looking incredibly sexy. He should have worn trousers though.

  "How did you get here so fast?" I croaked, blinking in the sunlight in disbelief.

  "I'm a billionaire. I can do whatever I want."

  "And what is it you want?" I said, staring him straight in the eye and sexily opening my bed covers a little to reveal my penguin onesy.

  "I want to put my penis inside you, Euthanasia." he said, staring me straight in the eye, as if challenging me to call him on it.

  "Go on then..." I said shyly, opening my mouth wide.

  "Not here. Get dressed. I want to take you to my place. I have the Sex Room set up ready for you."

  "OK. Hang on though. I just need to take a shit first."

  CHAPTER 5

  Breaking Down My Barriers. Storming My Ramparts.

  "Christopher, I've got something I want to tell you. Before whatever is happening between us goes any further."

  "What is it, Euthanasia?"

  "I haven't told anyone this before... Not even Housemate..."

  "What is it, Euthanasia?"

  "I'm nervous, because I'm worried about your reaction..."

  "What is it, Euthanasia?"

  "It's something I've never had to talk about with anyone, really."

  "What is it, Euthanasia?"

  "Please don't laugh at me..."

  "Euthanasia! What the fuck is it?"

  "I'm a virgin." Gulp.

  "Oh god. Oh my god."

  The car swerved, and Christopher came in his pants. His grey grey grey grey grey grey eyes were almost popping out of his head, and a look of deep satisfaction spread across his face and body. He was literally convulsing, convulsing in a long and hard orgasm.

  He swerved over to the side of the road and parked the car quickly. He turned to me and asked, breathlessly, "Euthanasia. Are you telling me you've never, not once, had sex? Not even once? Not even, like, a little bit? Not even just the tip?"

  "I've never even masturbated. I'm literally a nun." I said, surprising myself by how deep and husky my voice had gotten. I never sound like this. Wow. I must really want his cock inside me.

  "you've never, ever had sex?"

  "No. Never." I was biting my lip. I wanted him to want me as much as I wanted him to want me to want him to want him, and for some reason biting my lip turns him on or something. I'm not even sure what it does. Sometimes it makes him angry, other times makes him look at me like I'm a piece of meat. All I have to do to get a rise out of him is bite my lip. he's so fucked up.

  "Really? Never?"

  "No. I don't even know what sex is really", I said honestly.

  "Euthanasia, are you a Republican?"

  "No! God no." I wanted him to do things to me. Things I've never even imagined. I wanted him to take that cock of his and waggle it in front of my face again, like in the interview. I wanted him to slap my cheeks with it again, and I desperately wanted to kneel in front of him while he blew his load onto my face and my wide open mouth and into my hair again. My god, I so deeply wanted this man, so deeply that I wanted to eat him, right now, completely devour him, like a piece of tasty peach, getting juice all down my front, right here in the car. I've never felt anything lik
e this before. I've never even had any sexual urges of any kind before!

  "OK. Just checking."

  "Oh. But I did anal fist a guy once in an alley. But that wasn't much fun."

  "That's ok. we've all done it, haha!"

  "Yeah, haha!"

  "Euthanasia. You don't need to worry for a moment. Not a single moment. Not when you're with me. I will teach you everything there is to know about sex. I will make your every decision. I will break you down, and I will rebuild you. Like in politics. I will teach you who you really are. You will willingly surrender yourself to me, not just because of all the anal fisting, like, uh, in politics, but because you will discover yourself, for the first time. I will make you bleed, I will make you scream, I will whip you endlessly, I will fuck you hard, and you will still want more. Holy crap! it's actually politics! What we will be engaging in isn't just sex, Euthanasia, this is politics!" He looked more excited at this thought than I'd ever seen him. Even just now when he came in his pants.