Fifty Shades of Shameless Parody Read online

  "What the double crap are you talking about?"

  "This is actually politics! Politerotica! We need to do this properly. we'll get contracts and everything. We could debate stuff, and talk about what you will and won't do! We can negotiate terms! This is brilliant!"

  "This sounds dull. This sounds like a real fucking boring book to be a character in."

  "No, don't be silly, we can literally fill half the book with this meaningless contract crap, talking about it endlessly, and emailing each other about it for no reason, without ever actually having sex! it's perfect."

  "But I want you!" I blurted out.

  "Exactly. I will teach you to surrender the "I", and let go of your ego. I will teach you to surrender the "want", because need and want are two very different things, and I will teach you to surrender the "you", and give yourself to me fully."

  "But that just leaves us with "butt"..."

  ""Exactly" he said, making a fist, and slowly raising it to in front of my face, mysteriously. "Exaaaaactly..."

  CHAPTER 6

  Contracting Things. Sexually.

  Christopher pulled a contract out of one of his kitchen draws.

  "I want you to think long and hard about this." Christopher said, frowning at me. "I don't want you signing this important-sounding but meaningless contract that won't hold up in a court of law and has no legal basis whatsoever and is not even worth the paper it's printed on, then backing out at a later date. Even though this contract actually means fuck all because I've even written in it that you can leave any time you like, I still have a major hard-on for the idea of you signing it. I don't know. Is it some kind of control freak thing? Is it symbolic of something deeper? Is it meant to mirror the impending relationship proposal from you that I will struggle to deal with? Probably not. it's probably just a way to fill a book with 50 extra pages of endless blabbing on about useless crap before ever getting to the blindfold music sex bits."

  Christopher held the contract out in front of him, as if assessing it. He read aloud, "No clothes are to be worn inside my apartment at any time. Not a single thread."

  "What?!" This was outrageous! "It's literally freezing in here! I can see my own breath! It's so cold and clinical."

  Christopher stares at me for a moment, then looks around at his minimalist designer home. It was like an art gallery hospital morgue in here. "You're one of the hottest women I've ever seen, Euthanasia. I'm sure you"ll manage. You are also to clean the entire apartment 4 times a week."

  "4?! No way. I'm fine with all the whipping stuff, that suspended from the ceiling thing, even the anal fisting, but the only thing I have a problem with is this cleaning crap. Heck, I'd rather go to the GYM 4 times a week! This is getting harder than I thought!"

  "That's what she said. it's a deal breaker I'm afraid. You need to develop stamina, and resilience, and all that crap."

  "Ok, how about 3 times a week?"

  "Deal. So other than the basic housework, you also need to, um, "trim the hedges downstairs", shall we say. it's getting out of hand. It"ll make the whole place look nicer, trust me. Oh, also you need to shave your cunt."

  "And if I do all of this, you"ll fuck me hard on a regular basis?" I cocked my head to one side and tried to look cute.

  "Like clockwork, baby."

  "Deal! When can we start?"

  "We can start right now..." Christopher's eyes flashed dark and dangerous. I smiled at him, and he forced a smile back, but I could tell he was just staring at my breasts.

  I stood up, unbuttoned my blouse, slid it off my shoulders, and dropped it to the floor. Then I unzipped my skirt and let it drop. I reached behind and undid my bra and dropped it sexily to the floor, then slid my soaking wet panties down my legs and stepped out of them. I stood up straight, arching my back to push my breasts out, looking at him for approval. I was wearing nothing but my crocs.

  "Take off your crocs." Christopher said, sternly.

  "Uh, no. You said "not a thread". My crocs are made of nothing but rubber."

  "But I really want you to take them off."

  "Well then, you'd better be more careful about what it is you're agreeing to, in future." I was feeling pretty smug over this little victory.

  "OK, Euthanasia. You win. You should come and work for my company. We could use your skills in the boardroom."

  "I'm standing here naked, and you're offering me a job?"

  "I've surprised even myself. Seriously. You should come and work for me. What is your experience in the world of finance?"

  "Christopher!" I scolded. "I'm feeling a little vulnerable here..." I said shyly, tilting my shoulders or something, to show I was being shy.

  "You shouldn"t feel shy, Euthanasia... you are easily the hottest woman I've ever met..."

  "Likewise..." I purred seductively.

  "Would you like to discuss hard limits, before we begin?"

  "What are hard limits?"

  "Hard limits are the things you aren"t willing to do."

  "Oh. I doubt there's anything I wouldn"t do for you..."

  "Really? You want to sign your name to that?"

  "Sure" I squeaked innocently. Christopher held out the contract and a pen, and I grabbed them both and scrawled my signature in the box with a flourish.

  "OK, now that that's all done and dusted, I'd like you to see my list of Hard Limits. I'm quite surprised that a girl of your experience, or shall we say inexperience, is willing to do everything, but whatever. you're mine now. And not even a single hard limit means I get to really play with you." Christopher pulled a piece of paper from his pocket and handed it to me.

  It was titled - Christopher Chase Hard Limits.

  Gulp.

  1. No sexual acts involving knives, blades, or needles.

  2. No sexual acts involving the insertion of electrical wiring into any or all orifices.

  3. No sexual acts involving horses.

  4. No sexual acts that involve the cutting off of any body parts and cooking them and eating them.

  5. No sexual acts that involve being engulfed in flames.

  6. No sexual acts that involve the filming of videos and the uploading of those videos to YouPorn.

  7. No sexual acts that result in my death.

  "But I...? I didn't realise! I didn't know it could get this, uh, this... serious."

  Christopher grinned at me, a devilish grin of utter mischief. "Well then you should be more careful about what it is you're agreeing to, in future.." Shit. He had me. He totally fucking had me exactly where he wants me. I was quibbling over my crocs, and now I'm spread wide open for anything and everything to literally be inserted into my body. Even horses. Oh fuck. "Christopher... why horses?" I said, both confused and outraged. "Why on earth have you put HORSES on your list?"

  "Neigh means neigh, Euthanasia. Horses don't interest me sexually, which is why you need a hard limits list!" He was teasing me. The fucking bastard was teasing me, at a time like this!

  "Can I create one now?" I asked, sounding a little more desperate than I would like.

  "Too late", he said, waving the contract in the air. He pressed a button on his cellphone and said cheerily into it, "Johnson Assistant Man, I'm going to need a horse. Tonight. Oh, throw in a dog and a camel if you can find them. And a bucket of shrimp. Oh, and one of those umbrellas with the curled handle bits. Yeah, the spikey ones. Oh, and those electric sock shock things. Oh, and that suitcase big enough to hold a person. Oh, and that cattle prod thing. Yeah, the dildo one. Oh, and a SheWee if you can find one. Oh, and that wrestler mask. Oh, and my tattoo machine. Oh, and my waterboarding kit. Oh, and my unicycle. Actually, the unicycle jousting set too. Oh, and my collection of Victorian-era hand cranked rusty dildo machines. Oh, and my leaf blower. And the leaf sucker. Oh, and the Hurl-a-Poo slingshot thing. Oh, and enough placentas to fill my bathtub. Chimp placentas are fine if that's all you can get hold of. Oh, and a Chinocchio for the dog, and some of that bacon flavoured vagina spray. Oh, and three small children if
you can get hold of them. One of each. Thanks."

  I stood there naked but for my crocs, and stared right into his grey eyes. Who the hell was this man?!

  "What have you gotten yourself into, Euthanasia Blacksmith?" he said, toying with me.

  "What's a Chinocchio?"

  "It's like a Pinocchio nose, but it's a dildo that you attach to your chin, allowing you to perform both penetrative and oral sex at the same time."

  "Oh God..." I gulped.

  "Oh God indeed." he said, smiling ever so slightly.

  This. Was. So. Freaking. Hot.

  CHAPTER 7

  Deep Inside The Weird Billionaire's Creepy Sex Dungeon Torture Chamber

  "The river's running red... take the dirt track instead," I said, waggling my naked bottom at him, bending over the thingy at the end of the bed.

  "What? you're on your period? Euthanasia, that's disgusting. I thought we talked about your period?

  "Yeah, we did. For hours. Most of the fucking book was filled with you talking about it, in fact. We even had a scene where you got a doctor in for some unknown fucking reason. Who the fuck knows why we spent so much time talking about it. it's real fucking weird to have some erotic novel go on and on about periods. Is that what turns women on?"

  "Um, well, I can tell it's your time of the month."

  'shut up."

  Christopher spun around and marched straight to his chest of drawers. He flung open the top draw, pulled out a tie and came marching back, putting his face inches from mine. He lifted the tie up to my mouth, and whispered for me to part my lips. I parted them slightly, very slowly, and he gently slid the tie across my mouth, gagging me. He pulled it tightly behind my head and tied it in a knot. My breathing was heavy, and mostly through my left nostril now, and it was literally like Niagra falls down my thighs.

  "No...", he said seductively, "YOU shut up. I don't want any more of your smart mouth. I just want your smart vagina. I want it, I mean, like, I want to be in it. With my penis." Christopher knew how to talk sexy. He was driving me wild.

  "I want to be in it too" I moaned with deep desire.

  Christopher stepped beside me, put his arm around me, and pulled my body against his. He slowly snaked his hand from my neck and down my body, over my breasts, down my stomach, and ended by cupping my cunt in his hand.

  "This is all mine, baby", he whispered into my ear. "This is all mine."

  "It's basically your vagina..." I said seductively. That's weird. I'm still able to speak even though I'm gagged. Oh well. I guess the author forgot I was gagged when they were writing in this dialogue.

  Christopher looked at me like a hungry wolf looking at a little lamb with a gangrene leg. "I want you to put your arms above your head, and spread your legs wide." I did as he said. I slowly widened the gap between my legs, completely exposing my feminine charms, and I held my arms straight up which pushed my breasts out in front of me obscenely. I was literally begging for sex. If standing here like this utter lemon doesn"t get me the sex, I don't know what will.

  Christopher reached up and fastened a leather wrist cuff around each of my wrists, looped a length of rope through the hooks and tied it to the top frame of the bed. My arms were held tightly above me. I pulled down hard to test how constrained I was, and it didn't budge an inch. I was trapped.

  Christopher kissed his way down my body slowly, so slowly. He was kneeling down in front of me, reaching under the bed. He pulled out 2 leather ankle cuffs and attached them to my ankles. He reached under the bed again and pulled out a long metal bar, and fastened each end of the bar to the ankle cuffs. My legs were held wide open with the metal bar, and my arms were tied above me. I was on my tip toes now, taking almost all my weight on my arms.

  "This is a spreader bar", he murmured, "It will mean you"ll never be able to close your legs and deny me access to... here." With that, he leaned forward and planted a soft and gentle and deliciously sensual kiss right onto my sniz. Our gloriously hot and juicy lips met in a passionate kiss, his tongue snaking in to explore my depths.

  My head was lolling back and forth, and I was groaning deeply. I came twice, in the space of about a minute, from his expert toungue. Christopher was so good at this. He can tie me up and go down on me any time he likes, he was so damn good at this. He stood up, and stared me straight in the eyes, smiling.

  Oh no... I completely forgot... I was on my period! His face and teeth and lips and jaw were covered in blood. Gah!! He looked just like the moment where Gus dies in Breaking Bad.

  CHAPTER 8

  Christopher Mystery Trip #1

  "Wake up sleepy head. I've got something to show you." Christopher was romantically caressing my cheek. My butt cheek I mean. The left one.

  We were spooning, and I fidgeted a little in the bed so I could reach down and grab his balls.

  "Is this what you want to show me, luvurr?"

  "No. Get up." he said, springing out of bed himself, releasing his balls from my grip. My hands were ball-less, caressing nothing but cold air behind me.

  I sat up, and looked over at Christopher. He was already dressed somehow, and was checking his BlackBerry impatiently.

  "As sad as it seems, I need you to put some clothes on. Hurry up. I have somewhere I want to take you."

  I got ready as quickly as I could, and followed him out of the apartment.

  We went down the elevator in silence. The sexual tension was like static between us. Maybe.

  We got to his car, climbed in, and we were on our way. Christopher Mystery Trip #1!

  We drove in silence. It was unnerving. What was going on inside that beautiful head of his? What was he thinking about? Me? Was he thinking about me? I for one couldn't stop thinking about the dog with the Chinocchio. Maybe he was thinking about that too. Oh god, I've got to break the silence.

  "Guess what..." I said, coquettishly.

  "What?"

  "You've got to guess" I said, as sexily as I could.

  "No."

  "I'm wearing your underwear", I winked.

  "Why?"

  "Because it's sexy", I winked again. With the same eye.

  "It's not sexy. Not in the least." He was looking straight ahead, stone cold stern, doing the driving of the car. Always in control. Always, complete concrete control. And always so fucking dismissive, not thinking for one second of how I feel wearing these horrible ugly y-fronts.

  "Oh... OK." I muttered weakly. 'sorry. I didn't know."

  "I'll have them back as soon as I peel you out of those clothes..." he said, possibly teasing me. Welcome to the emotional fucking rollercoaster that is 1 minute in Christopher's company.

  "I think you're bipolar."

  "I'm bi-WINNING!", he said, definitely teasing me.

  "Fuck you."

  "I'll pull over right here if you're making promises like that."

  "Like what?"

  "Promises to fuck me. I'll fuck you right here on the bonnet of this car in broad daylight if you're not careful."

  "Maybe I don't want to be careful..." I said, surprising myself by my suddenly brazen sexuality.

  "OK", Christopher said, pulling over to the side of the road outside a shop, getting out of the car and marching round to my side. He opened my door with a playful flourish, and gestured for me to get out. Playful Christopher, all of a sudden. This is when I most loved him. His brooding shit can go to hell. I turned and stood up on shaky legs, taking a deep breath for courage. Christopher closed the door behind me with a sturdy thud. He grabbed my hand, probably because he saw my legs had turned to jelly, and led me to the front of the car.

  "This isn't an ordinary sturdy red car, you know. I've made a few adjustments, to make it more to my liking. Watch this." He pulled out his car keys and aimed them at the car bonnet and pressed a button. A slow whiring sound came from inside the car, and the BMW badge started to sink down inside, leaving a hole in its place.

  "What's that meant to do?" I asked, peering into the hole.

  "J
ust you watch..."